WEIRD

 Halloween has passed and Fall is upon us.  I love this time of year, it's definitely my favorite.  I get to dress in layers just like the 1990's and wear some neon colors to spark the 1980's; listen to Queen, Fleetwood Mac, The Eagles and AC/DC with my progressive teenager.  I have to say life is good.....now.  To many at this point, life is not so good.  Financial and identity crises.  It's enough to drive you crazy.  Oh wait, I already did that a long time ago.  Einstein had it correct with the theory of relativity.....if you can grasp that, you can achieve anything.

Calm down my beautiful beings.  None of us has it all put together at any one point in time.  Time and space are simply constructs to aide in keeping our tiny little brains from exploding.  Think about it...I'm typing on a laptop in the year 2021 on November 5th at 2:19 am.  That gives you a data point in time to know what type of bias, fashion, political views, etc. to focus on to relate to me, nothing more.  Time and space merely tell you in what era you should treat those you meet.

I don't want to be treated with time and space kid gloves.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not wanting to jump head first into the abyss of "everything we haven't discovered".  Because everything we have discovered up to this point is quite a bit so I can only imagine the overload from here on out. 

That being said; I decide to live in my truth.  That's a term that is beginning to be overused already and I haven't the foggiest how to use it before it gets used up.  What do you suggest?  I feel that living my truth is being unapologetic for who I am at any given moment.  I have a tendency to black out from time to time and while the majority of the time, it is not helpful nor is it something I strive for, it can be a useful tool in my life.  

What are your silver linings? What makes you keep going?

Don't over analyze it the way I do....take it for what it is and take it further than I ever could!!!  You have the power and the intelligence to make it work.  Keep moving forward no matter what.  

Well it's definitely been quite a while since my last blog post. A lot has happened. I'm divorced and remarried, my daughter is 10 and I have 3 step children who I love completely. I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and am on medication as well as medically retired. I've discovered that any kind of stress sets me off and makes it nearly impossible to function. I guess that means that I can never function normally in real society. I have a lifestyle that most will never understand. I'm a stay at home mom and even though I am an extremely intellectual person, I can never see myself functioning in the workforce again. My medication helps in ways I never thought possible yet I still struggle and imagine I most likely always will. I don't expect "normal" people to understand. I still stay up late at night even though I know I shouldn't. I make lots of mistakes but the guilt doesn't haunt me the way it once did. I would say my life is a thousand times better yet I know I will never be the person I feel I should be.

Shocker

Well, I am now writing not as a wife but as a woman in limbo of being single or being married. Wow, I really didn't think I would ever end up here. It's not like I thought I was special or exempt or anything. I just thought that the man I married and I had really thought things through and made a promise to one another that we would always work things out. I think that just goes to show that you absolutely never know what might happen. We all have good intentions and maybe I will remain a married woman, that has yet to be determined, but one thing is for sure I will remain a devoted mother. I will never give up on my daughter no matter what happens. She will always be my priority and I will always love her unconditionally.

Years Later

Divorced, single mom. That's what has become of my tangent life. I guess it's no surprise to any of you, but it was to me. It's been almost 2 years to the day since Ivie and I moved out. Everyone knew we were unhappy, but I guess I thought we would figure things out in the end. We didn't....life is what  it is, I guess.
I never saw myself where I'm at right now. I've had a complete and total nervous breakdown after the divorce, chronic depression, moving twice, my house being hit by a tornado and having to live in someone else's space for 2 months. I can say it truly sent me over the edge. In addition to all that, I lost a friend of 10 years to a petty fight, then she dies in a car accident. I'll continue to add to it because I need to get it all off my chest. I didn't see my beloved sister for a year because we were both too broken to help each other. Her husband battled cancer once again and is still not out of danger. I want to be there with her sooooooo very badly. I want to support her. I want to stay home with my daughter and take care of things at home, but I know I can't do any of those things. I have to work, I have to be more than a mom, more than a sister, more than a friend or a lover. It feels like I have to be it all and I'm not sure I can be. I probably shouldn't complain, I have a decent life when the depression is absent. I have to admit, I sometimes wish I were born in a simpler place and time.

Late Nitghts

So it's a good thing that I haven't posted in so long. That means I've been going to sleep at a decent time and not drinking myself to death.
The only reason I'm up and blogging tonight is that I'm home alone and I never can sleep when I'm home alone. My baby girl is with my Dad, his wife and my beautiful niece. My hubby is helping a friend a move.
I would love to say that I've conquered my depression and all that it entails but unfortunately, that is not the case. It still follows me and wreaks havoc on my life. I have, however, found ways to ignore it. I basically just stop talking when I'm depressed and it seems to keep me from causing more problems than what I already have. It may not be the best way to handle things but it's the only thing I can come up with right now.
I think sometimes it's just a waste of time to try but then I think about my family and how much it hurts them to see me depressed and I just have to try to be what I know I can be for them.

It's been too long

Ok, so I've been to an AA meeting and I've had a lot of time to think since my last post. AA has shown me that it's the inability to stop drinking once I start. Everythng else, I think, is just depression and anxiety. I wish I could say that I'm cured but I'm not sure that will ever come to fruition. I just hope and pray that my niece and daughter will never have that insecurity.

Depression

Chronic depression is a powerful and evil thing. It makes you feel helpless and out of control, but you can't let it take over your life. You can beat it, you just have to try.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

It's funny that when people ask about your life, you think they really want to know. They're just being nice. That's not a bad thing, just don't expect them to listen to the whole story, Prepare yourself to stop halfway through. Really though, why should you think that others REALLY want to know to begin with?

GO TO BED!!!

That's what I hear when I get emotional. Ok, so I'm not drinking I promise. Can I not be the least bit emotional? I am a total and complete "hot mess" when it comes to any kind of emotional anything. I listened to a song that my niece suggested and it just totally and completely made me break down. I realize now that she is becoming a woman and even though I'm not her mother, it still "gets to me". I think we are so much alike and at the same time so different. It just makes me cry.
I wish that everyone I know now knew what it was like to know Jim. That's what torments me every day. But I have found Compassionate Friends and I'm hoping that support group will helpt to sort things out in my mind.

It's Not Me But It Is

I know this really isn't me but there are certain parts of it that are. You get so caught up in yourself and the things that are going on in your life that you forget the people that you're toughts are caught up in. Your creativity is centered around them and everything in your life is surrounded by the thoughts of them and what they mean to you that you actually end up neglecting the acutal people. Instead you write, sing or think about them more than you actually pay attention to them. I think that's what I do a lot in my own life. The thought of my brother, my husband, my daugther, my family takes precidence over the real people in my life. I hate that but I continue to do it anyway. Why is that?

What Is Normal?

So I'm back to my "normal" life. What is normal anyway? I guess normal can be something different for everyone. My so called normal life is going to work, taking my daughter to dance and gymnastics every week and trying my hardest to keep up with everything else that needs and deserves my attention. First off, my husband. You know hubbys get kicked aside when the kid comes. It's not like we say "I'm going to ignore you" the minute we get pregnant, it's just something that kind of happens and we have to try really hard to make a point to give them the attention they deserve. The reason why that's so hard has nothing to do with whether we love them or adore them or are attracted to them anymore. It simply has to do with the fact that we only have so much time in our day and in our minds. Our children demand time from us and there's no way we can ignore them or do we want to ignore them and since he's an adult, he ends up getting the short end of what's left of that whittled away stick.
So what is normal? I think my normal will most likely be much different than yours and yours will be much different from that of your friends. That's what's so great about being us though. We have different stories to share and keeps life interesting.

Why Do I Do It?

I never really talk about my feelings when I'm in my "right" mind and I hate the fact that I can't express myself other than when I drink. I now find myself getting irritated because I actually express myself at any time at all. I hate being emotional in any way whatsoever. It really does irritate me. I just want to get rid of all hormones and emotional baggage all together.

Make It Happen

I have to say that I love my friends and family. I am so blessed to have them. I wish I could just control my depression. How do I make that happen? I just hate that feeling of low self esteem and sadness. I keep thinking that one day it will all get better and wonder why I can't just make myself change. I hate that I have no control over it and I worry that people around me think I'm just weak and should be able to just get over myself and my "problems". Oh gosh, I wish I could.

The Lady of Shallot

This is the painting above my bed and my favorite poem of all time. It's amazing that even in this day and age that there is still a beautiful song about this amazing woman. She shows unwavering strength and faith until the world beyond her becomes too much for her to bear. The temptation of a love that she knows she will never have overtakes her and becomes the death of her.

How could anyone keep themselves from all that the world has to offer? Yet it shows that most everything the world has to offer will also bring your undoing. Is it worth it? Only each person can say what is worth it to themselves...what is the world and it's experiences worth to you? I think I have yet to answer that question for myself. Maybe none of us can answer until the last breath we take, but I will continue to look to the Lady of Shallot in wonder and amazement.

WAY Overanalyzing This

I know I overanalyze everything in my life. I think about the fact that I'm too "old" for the current time and then I think that I would never fit into a time before the 80's. I'm so not the 50's wife that I think I could be because I'm just too independent for it but then the independence I do have drives me crazy because I don't want to be responsible for all the decisions that need to be made in our home. How f'd up is that? I can't even curse because I know that one day my daughter might read this and I don't want to be "that" person.

I have issues that I, nor anyone else, can really cure. I don't know if it's bipolar, hypomania, schizophrenia....I guess they're all possible. I want to be happy and want to make my family happy but just don't know how. And I can't seem to express myself without "help". Why is that? I don't want to talk about it if I'm in my "right" mind because it's too embarassing and I think I'm weak if I have to talk about my problems. How messed up is that? Everyone, including me, would just rather ignore it and go on. TRUST me !!!! I would much rather sweep it under the rug and pretend that my emotional issues don't exist. They're too much to deal with at times. Heck, my dad acts like he didn't know! Prozac...antidepressant...they're the same thing Dad! Geeze...like he didn't check out for a freaking year after my brother died. I wish I could check out for a year....the only person that didn't disappear was Stacy and now she has to deal with that along with everything else in her life. I couldn't do it. Personally, I don't how she does it. Wonderwoman...can you say Wonderwoman?

WTF?

So WTF??? I'm still awake, which is not surprising. I think I'm the most stubborn person alive. I think about my brother all the time and I cry myself asleep.
It hurts me to think about him and it kills me to think that I put my family through hell because of it. I hate hearing my daughter say that all she wants is to stay home with "Momma" and wonder if the reason why she's being so "clingy" is because I'm not being motherly enough. I want to be everything that I'm supposed to be but not sure what that's supposed to be. I love my family more than anything but I'm broken myself....how am I supposed to be what they need? Explain that to me???

Join Me

I guess I just want someone to join me. That's all. You don't have to know the right answer or how to fix me. Just know how to join me....
Life is hard no matter who you are and no matter where you come from. It doesn't matter if you're an overpriveledged spoiled bratt that is damaged by the conflict of your parents or if you''re an underpriveledged desolate soul that never knew a real family....we all have a cross to bear and it's no easier than the person standing next to us. Everyone has a real hurt that they can't quite express in words and a void that they can never fill. I guess that's what makes us human. I can only hope that God will fill that void and answer all my questions one day when I'm dead and gone.
What was I meant to be? Did I fulfill the purpose You meant for me? Am I all that You wanted me to be or am I just a big disappointment? These questions are ones that I hope to have answered one day. But until then, I will have tear stained cheeks and a heavy heart. Why? I guess that's just my life...can I change it? I don't know. Do I just feel comfortable being depressed? I have no idea. I guess it's all possible but I won't know until I meet HIM. Yes, I believe GOD exists and that HE holds the key to everything in my life. I just have a really hard time being what I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm the "black sheep" in the family that everyone loves but no one really understands. Heck, I don't even understand myself half the time. Pain is one of the only things I do understand.

Re-run

Have you ever felt like some days of your life are just a re-run of other days before? There are some days I'd like to live over and over again but unfortunately, the dejavu that I experience is more the emotions that are felt rather than the memories I cherish. Kinda sucks, huh? I would love to go back to the days of having my brother the hero or the times that I spent with my husband just adoring each other and not worrying about the house or things that need to be done. It's really frustrating that I have this wonderful life that most would give anything for, yet I long for the things I don't have. Is it the selfish nature of just being human or am I really just more ungrateful than I have the right to be? I realize that I am so blessed to have the things in life that God has given me, yet satan keeps taunting me with emotions I don't know how to handle. I get so embarassed at my desperation for acceptance and understanding yet wouldn't know how to handle it if I had it. Pretty messed up I guess. Maybe one day I'll get over it. Until then, Prozac is my friend.

Music Montage?

Because I know that you've watched all the videos from my last post....yeah right. I'll give you some songs to think about, (Yes, I really do think that I'm the center of the universe)
Don't Cry is the most appropriate song ever for me. This is the song I listened to over and over and over and over again after my brother died. Not only does it remind me of that time, but it also relates my emotions.
Jim Ed used to put a bandana on my head because I had that long brunette hair and say that I looked like Axle Rose. Funny, huh? I would sway just like Axle and sing different Gun-N-Roses songs.
I think I might be able to get together with some of his old friends and talk to them about all the things they used to do while I wasn't around. I'm looking forward to that. I think it will help a lot.

Video Montage of My Life

The moivie, What Dreams May Come acutally explains a lot of my emotions. There are others that I relate to as well. Like, The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and maybe even a little bit of Fried Green Tomatoes. Now just because, I'm having "Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey" doesn't mean that there needs to be some sort of intervention arranged to cure me....in fact, I'm pretty sure there is no cure, so you may as well just give up.

Hey! At least I have a good sense of humor about it all in the end, right?