WTF?

So WTF??? I'm still awake, which is not surprising. I think I'm the most stubborn person alive. I think about my brother all the time and I cry myself asleep.
It hurts me to think about him and it kills me to think that I put my family through hell because of it. I hate hearing my daughter say that all she wants is to stay home with "Momma" and wonder if the reason why she's being so "clingy" is because I'm not being motherly enough. I want to be everything that I'm supposed to be but not sure what that's supposed to be. I love my family more than anything but I'm broken myself....how am I supposed to be what they need? Explain that to me???

Join Me

I guess I just want someone to join me. That's all. You don't have to know the right answer or how to fix me. Just know how to join me....
Life is hard no matter who you are and no matter where you come from. It doesn't matter if you're an overpriveledged spoiled bratt that is damaged by the conflict of your parents or if you''re an underpriveledged desolate soul that never knew a real family....we all have a cross to bear and it's no easier than the person standing next to us. Everyone has a real hurt that they can't quite express in words and a void that they can never fill. I guess that's what makes us human. I can only hope that God will fill that void and answer all my questions one day when I'm dead and gone.
What was I meant to be? Did I fulfill the purpose You meant for me? Am I all that You wanted me to be or am I just a big disappointment? These questions are ones that I hope to have answered one day. But until then, I will have tear stained cheeks and a heavy heart. Why? I guess that's just my life...can I change it? I don't know. Do I just feel comfortable being depressed? I have no idea. I guess it's all possible but I won't know until I meet HIM. Yes, I believe GOD exists and that HE holds the key to everything in my life. I just have a really hard time being what I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm the "black sheep" in the family that everyone loves but no one really understands. Heck, I don't even understand myself half the time. Pain is one of the only things I do understand.

Re-run

Have you ever felt like some days of your life are just a re-run of other days before? There are some days I'd like to live over and over again but unfortunately, the dejavu that I experience is more the emotions that are felt rather than the memories I cherish. Kinda sucks, huh? I would love to go back to the days of having my brother the hero or the times that I spent with my husband just adoring each other and not worrying about the house or things that need to be done. It's really frustrating that I have this wonderful life that most would give anything for, yet I long for the things I don't have. Is it the selfish nature of just being human or am I really just more ungrateful than I have the right to be? I realize that I am so blessed to have the things in life that God has given me, yet satan keeps taunting me with emotions I don't know how to handle. I get so embarassed at my desperation for acceptance and understanding yet wouldn't know how to handle it if I had it. Pretty messed up I guess. Maybe one day I'll get over it. Until then, Prozac is my friend.

Music Montage?

Because I know that you've watched all the videos from my last post....yeah right. I'll give you some songs to think about, (Yes, I really do think that I'm the center of the universe)
Don't Cry is the most appropriate song ever for me. This is the song I listened to over and over and over and over again after my brother died. Not only does it remind me of that time, but it also relates my emotions.
Jim Ed used to put a bandana on my head because I had that long brunette hair and say that I looked like Axle Rose. Funny, huh? I would sway just like Axle and sing different Gun-N-Roses songs.
I think I might be able to get together with some of his old friends and talk to them about all the things they used to do while I wasn't around. I'm looking forward to that. I think it will help a lot.

Video Montage of My Life

The moivie, What Dreams May Come acutally explains a lot of my emotions. There are others that I relate to as well. Like, The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and maybe even a little bit of Fried Green Tomatoes. Now just because, I'm having "Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey" doesn't mean that there needs to be some sort of intervention arranged to cure me....in fact, I'm pretty sure there is no cure, so you may as well just give up.

Hey! At least I have a good sense of humor about it all in the end, right?

Worry Warts

I have to say that I'm very flattered that there is more than one person out there that worries about me. I hate that my life brings up such emotions in others though. It's very nice to know that you have people that care enough about you to think of you more than once a month or even more than once a year! It's not like each one of us can be the center of the universe no matter how much we'd like to be. So knowing that there are those that care that much, certainly humbles me. I feel that I should apologize for causing the worry, however.
The source of the worry, of course, makes me somewhat embarassed since I'm an adult of 32 years and shouldn't be causing anyone to wonder how I'm doing. Unfortunately, I am a woman with hormones, depression and a short temper. The woman part alone is enough for most, wouldn't you say? I mean the extra X chromosome causes so much trouble in and of itself that when you add anything else to it, you're bound to have some issues here and there. In fact, in my opinion, (as insignificant as it is) there should seperate rules all together for the female species. If you ask a man, I'm sure he would say that there already are. Maybe that's true, but could we at least make an estrogen room in every household that women can enter and it be understood that it's just "one of those times" and you should really just walk away if you value your life?
I'm joking for the most part.....but I bet you're wondering aren't you? LOL

Changing Directions

I went to my doctor and because of the sleeplessness, he decided to change my medication. A new antidepressant and I can tell. I'm getting sad and irritable again. I'm hoping it's just because the new medication hasn't kicked in just yet. I'm also hoping that the muscle tension in my face will go away. Right now I'm feeling like I just want to stay home and be alone. I know that isn't good but it's how I feel anyway. I'm also trying to keep my mouth shut because I think I might end up saying something that will cause awkwardness or a fight....and I'm sure I'm being irrational because every time I look back at my "emotional states" I always admit to how irrational my thinking is. Knowing that, I figure it's the same thing this time.
Maybe it will be better tomorrow?