Well it's definitely been quite a while since my last blog post. A lot has happened. I'm divorced and remarried, my daughter is 10 and I have 3 step children who I love completely. I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and am on medication as well as medically retired. I've discovered that any kind of stress sets me off and makes it nearly impossible to function. I guess that means that I can never function normally in real society. I have a lifestyle that most will never understand. I'm a stay at home mom and even though I am an extremely intellectual person, I can never see myself functioning in the workforce again. My medication helps in ways I never thought possible yet I still struggle and imagine I most likely always will. I don't expect "normal" people to understand. I still stay up late at night even though I know I shouldn't. I make lots of mistakes but the guilt doesn't haunt me the way it once did. I would say my life is a thousand times better yet I know I will never be the person I feel I should be.

Shocker

Well, I am now writing not as a wife but as a woman in limbo of being single or being married. Wow, I really didn't think I would ever end up here. It's not like I thought I was special or exempt or anything. I just thought that the man I married and I had really thought things through and made a promise to one another that we would always work things out. I think that just goes to show that you absolutely never know what might happen. We all have good intentions and maybe I will remain a married woman, that has yet to be determined, but one thing is for sure I will remain a devoted mother. I will never give up on my daughter no matter what happens. She will always be my priority and I will always love her unconditionally.

Years Later

Divorced, single mom. That's what has become of my tangent life. I guess it's no surprise to any of you, but it was to me. It's been almost 2 years to the day since Ivie and I moved out. Everyone knew we were unhappy, but I guess I thought we would figure things out in the end. We didn't....life is what  it is, I guess.
I never saw myself where I'm at right now. I've had a complete and total nervous breakdown after the divorce, chronic depression, moving twice, my house being hit by a tornado and having to live in someone else's space for 2 months. I can say it truly sent me over the edge. In addition to all that, I lost a friend of 10 years to a petty fight, then she dies in a car accident. I'll continue to add to it because I need to get it all off my chest. I didn't see my beloved sister for a year because we were both too broken to help each other. Her husband battled cancer once again and is still not out of danger. I want to be there with her sooooooo very badly. I want to support her. I want to stay home with my daughter and take care of things at home, but I know I can't do any of those things. I have to work, I have to be more than a mom, more than a sister, more than a friend or a lover. It feels like I have to be it all and I'm not sure I can be. I probably shouldn't complain, I have a decent life when the depression is absent. I have to admit, I sometimes wish I were born in a simpler place and time.

Late Nitghts

So it's a good thing that I haven't posted in so long. That means I've been going to sleep at a decent time and not drinking myself to death.
The only reason I'm up and blogging tonight is that I'm home alone and I never can sleep when I'm home alone. My baby girl is with my Dad, his wife and my beautiful niece. My hubby is helping a friend a move.
I would love to say that I've conquered my depression and all that it entails but unfortunately, that is not the case. It still follows me and wreaks havoc on my life. I have, however, found ways to ignore it. I basically just stop talking when I'm depressed and it seems to keep me from causing more problems than what I already have. It may not be the best way to handle things but it's the only thing I can come up with right now.
I think sometimes it's just a waste of time to try but then I think about my family and how much it hurts them to see me depressed and I just have to try to be what I know I can be for them.

It's been too long

Ok, so I've been to an AA meeting and I've had a lot of time to think since my last post. AA has shown me that it's the inability to stop drinking once I start. Everythng else, I think, is just depression and anxiety. I wish I could say that I'm cured but I'm not sure that will ever come to fruition. I just hope and pray that my niece and daughter will never have that insecurity.

Depression

Chronic depression is a powerful and evil thing. It makes you feel helpless and out of control, but you can't let it take over your life. You can beat it, you just have to try.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

It's funny that when people ask about your life, you think they really want to know. They're just being nice. That's not a bad thing, just don't expect them to listen to the whole story, Prepare yourself to stop halfway through. Really though, why should you think that others REALLY want to know to begin with?