Depression

Chronic depression is a powerful and evil thing. It makes you feel helpless and out of control, but you can't let it take over your life. You can beat it, you just have to try.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

It's funny that when people ask about your life, you think they really want to know. They're just being nice. That's not a bad thing, just don't expect them to listen to the whole story, Prepare yourself to stop halfway through. Really though, why should you think that others REALLY want to know to begin with?

GO TO BED!!!

That's what I hear when I get emotional. Ok, so I'm not drinking I promise. Can I not be the least bit emotional? I am a total and complete "hot mess" when it comes to any kind of emotional anything. I listened to a song that my niece suggested and it just totally and completely made me break down. I realize now that she is becoming a woman and even though I'm not her mother, it still "gets to me". I think we are so much alike and at the same time so different. It just makes me cry.
I wish that everyone I know now knew what it was like to know Jim. That's what torments me every day. But I have found Compassionate Friends and I'm hoping that support group will helpt to sort things out in my mind.

It's Not Me But It Is

I know this really isn't me but there are certain parts of it that are. You get so caught up in yourself and the things that are going on in your life that you forget the people that you're toughts are caught up in. Your creativity is centered around them and everything in your life is surrounded by the thoughts of them and what they mean to you that you actually end up neglecting the acutal people. Instead you write, sing or think about them more than you actually pay attention to them. I think that's what I do a lot in my own life. The thought of my brother, my husband, my daugther, my family takes precidence over the real people in my life. I hate that but I continue to do it anyway. Why is that?

What Is Normal?

So I'm back to my "normal" life. What is normal anyway? I guess normal can be something different for everyone. My so called normal life is going to work, taking my daughter to dance and gymnastics every week and trying my hardest to keep up with everything else that needs and deserves my attention. First off, my husband. You know hubbys get kicked aside when the kid comes. It's not like we say "I'm going to ignore you" the minute we get pregnant, it's just something that kind of happens and we have to try really hard to make a point to give them the attention they deserve. The reason why that's so hard has nothing to do with whether we love them or adore them or are attracted to them anymore. It simply has to do with the fact that we only have so much time in our day and in our minds. Our children demand time from us and there's no way we can ignore them or do we want to ignore them and since he's an adult, he ends up getting the short end of what's left of that whittled away stick.
So what is normal? I think my normal will most likely be much different than yours and yours will be much different from that of your friends. That's what's so great about being us though. We have different stories to share and keeps life interesting.

Why Do I Do It?

I never really talk about my feelings when I'm in my "right" mind and I hate the fact that I can't express myself other than when I drink. I now find myself getting irritated because I actually express myself at any time at all. I hate being emotional in any way whatsoever. It really does irritate me. I just want to get rid of all hormones and emotional baggage all together.

Make It Happen

I have to say that I love my friends and family. I am so blessed to have them. I wish I could just control my depression. How do I make that happen? I just hate that feeling of low self esteem and sadness. I keep thinking that one day it will all get better and wonder why I can't just make myself change. I hate that I have no control over it and I worry that people around me think I'm just weak and should be able to just get over myself and my "problems". Oh gosh, I wish I could.