Late Nitghts

So it's a good thing that I haven't posted in so long. That means I've been going to sleep at a decent time and not drinking myself to death.
The only reason I'm up and blogging tonight is that I'm home alone and I never can sleep when I'm home alone. My baby girl is with my Dad, his wife and my beautiful niece. My hubby is helping a friend a move.
I would love to say that I've conquered my depression and all that it entails but unfortunately, that is not the case. It still follows me and wreaks havoc on my life. I have, however, found ways to ignore it. I basically just stop talking when I'm depressed and it seems to keep me from causing more problems than what I already have. It may not be the best way to handle things but it's the only thing I can come up with right now.
I think sometimes it's just a waste of time to try but then I think about my family and how much it hurts them to see me depressed and I just have to try to be what I know I can be for them.

It's been too long

Ok, so I've been to an AA meeting and I've had a lot of time to think since my last post. AA has shown me that it's the inability to stop drinking once I start. Everythng else, I think, is just depression and anxiety. I wish I could say that I'm cured but I'm not sure that will ever come to fruition. I just hope and pray that my niece and daughter will never have that insecurity.

Depression

Chronic depression is a powerful and evil thing. It makes you feel helpless and out of control, but you can't let it take over your life. You can beat it, you just have to try.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

It's funny that when people ask about your life, you think they really want to know. They're just being nice. That's not a bad thing, just don't expect them to listen to the whole story, Prepare yourself to stop halfway through. Really though, why should you think that others REALLY want to know to begin with?

GO TO BED!!!

That's what I hear when I get emotional. Ok, so I'm not drinking I promise. Can I not be the least bit emotional? I am a total and complete "hot mess" when it comes to any kind of emotional anything. I listened to a song that my niece suggested and it just totally and completely made me break down. I realize now that she is becoming a woman and even though I'm not her mother, it still "gets to me". I think we are so much alike and at the same time so different. It just makes me cry.
I wish that everyone I know now knew what it was like to know Jim. That's what torments me every day. But I have found Compassionate Friends and I'm hoping that support group will helpt to sort things out in my mind.

It's Not Me But It Is

I know this really isn't me but there are certain parts of it that are. You get so caught up in yourself and the things that are going on in your life that you forget the people that you're toughts are caught up in. Your creativity is centered around them and everything in your life is surrounded by the thoughts of them and what they mean to you that you actually end up neglecting the acutal people. Instead you write, sing or think about them more than you actually pay attention to them. I think that's what I do a lot in my own life. The thought of my brother, my husband, my daugther, my family takes precidence over the real people in my life. I hate that but I continue to do it anyway. Why is that?

What Is Normal?

So I'm back to my "normal" life. What is normal anyway? I guess normal can be something different for everyone. My so called normal life is going to work, taking my daughter to dance and gymnastics every week and trying my hardest to keep up with everything else that needs and deserves my attention. First off, my husband. You know hubbys get kicked aside when the kid comes. It's not like we say "I'm going to ignore you" the minute we get pregnant, it's just something that kind of happens and we have to try really hard to make a point to give them the attention they deserve. The reason why that's so hard has nothing to do with whether we love them or adore them or are attracted to them anymore. It simply has to do with the fact that we only have so much time in our day and in our minds. Our children demand time from us and there's no way we can ignore them or do we want to ignore them and since he's an adult, he ends up getting the short end of what's left of that whittled away stick.
So what is normal? I think my normal will most likely be much different than yours and yours will be much different from that of your friends. That's what's so great about being us though. We have different stories to share and keeps life interesting.