WTF?

So WTF??? I'm still awake, which is not surprising. I think I'm the most stubborn person alive. I think about my brother all the time and I cry myself asleep.
It hurts me to think about him and it kills me to think that I put my family through hell because of it. I hate hearing my daughter say that all she wants is to stay home with "Momma" and wonder if the reason why she's being so "clingy" is because I'm not being motherly enough. I want to be everything that I'm supposed to be but not sure what that's supposed to be. I love my family more than anything but I'm broken myself....how am I supposed to be what they need? Explain that to me???

Join Me

I guess I just want someone to join me. That's all. You don't have to know the right answer or how to fix me. Just know how to join me....
Life is hard no matter who you are and no matter where you come from. It doesn't matter if you're an overpriveledged spoiled bratt that is damaged by the conflict of your parents or if you''re an underpriveledged desolate soul that never knew a real family....we all have a cross to bear and it's no easier than the person standing next to us. Everyone has a real hurt that they can't quite express in words and a void that they can never fill. I guess that's what makes us human. I can only hope that God will fill that void and answer all my questions one day when I'm dead and gone.
What was I meant to be? Did I fulfill the purpose You meant for me? Am I all that You wanted me to be or am I just a big disappointment? These questions are ones that I hope to have answered one day. But until then, I will have tear stained cheeks and a heavy heart. Why? I guess that's just my life...can I change it? I don't know. Do I just feel comfortable being depressed? I have no idea. I guess it's all possible but I won't know until I meet HIM. Yes, I believe GOD exists and that HE holds the key to everything in my life. I just have a really hard time being what I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm the "black sheep" in the family that everyone loves but no one really understands. Heck, I don't even understand myself half the time. Pain is one of the only things I do understand.

Re-run

Have you ever felt like some days of your life are just a re-run of other days before? There are some days I'd like to live over and over again but unfortunately, the dejavu that I experience is more the emotions that are felt rather than the memories I cherish. Kinda sucks, huh? I would love to go back to the days of having my brother the hero or the times that I spent with my husband just adoring each other and not worrying about the house or things that need to be done. It's really frustrating that I have this wonderful life that most would give anything for, yet I long for the things I don't have. Is it the selfish nature of just being human or am I really just more ungrateful than I have the right to be? I realize that I am so blessed to have the things in life that God has given me, yet satan keeps taunting me with emotions I don't know how to handle. I get so embarassed at my desperation for acceptance and understanding yet wouldn't know how to handle it if I had it. Pretty messed up I guess. Maybe one day I'll get over it. Until then, Prozac is my friend.

Music Montage?

Because I know that you've watched all the videos from my last post....yeah right. I'll give you some songs to think about, (Yes, I really do think that I'm the center of the universe)
Don't Cry is the most appropriate song ever for me. This is the song I listened to over and over and over and over again after my brother died. Not only does it remind me of that time, but it also relates my emotions.
Jim Ed used to put a bandana on my head because I had that long brunette hair and say that I looked like Axle Rose. Funny, huh? I would sway just like Axle and sing different Gun-N-Roses songs.
I think I might be able to get together with some of his old friends and talk to them about all the things they used to do while I wasn't around. I'm looking forward to that. I think it will help a lot.