Viva Las Vegas

Las Vegas wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Not that it isn't pretty cool to go and see the sights, but our trip wasn't at all what I was expecting. We booked in March and I thought it would be so cool since I'd always wanted to go and this year was our 10 year anniversary. Turns out, the rest of the guys that went had already decided that it was a guys trip with 3 females tagging along. Steve, I think, was just tagging along as well since he's not much of a party guy. Regardless of that though, I ended up gettting pretty aggitated. Not that I mind him hanging out with his buddies at all, I just felt rejected when the other girls and I decided to go see what the guys were doing and were told that it was a "guys night" and we weren't welcome.
Long story short, it was a lot of walking that produced blisters on my feet with a few redeeming events like a massage at the hotel spa and finally a night with my husband going to a show and dinner. On a side note, you'll be happy to know that I didn't get intoxicated even once...

My Amy

I love my Amy...it's totally against my nature but I'm up at 2:00 am and wondering why...
I think it's because I'm weak minded and depressed. I thought I would stay sober until we went to Vegas but obviously that didn't happen...I worry that my hubby won't want to be around me.

SERIOUSLY?

If there were a world record for crabbiness, I think I would win. Why can't I just be thankful and enjoy all the wonderful things I have in my life instead of feeling sorry for myself and being a big ol' bitch! Yes, I'm a bitch. I just can't seem to kick this. I'd like to understand why I do this to myself. Even when I try really hard to forget about my emotions and force myself to just do things that would be fun, it doesn't seem to work. I don't know that I could be my friend. I'm amazed that I still have any left.

A Leap of Faith

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary and that is totally awesome in my book! I just had to say that so that you know how happy I am to be married to this wonderful man. I really do appreciate him and love him so much. I am very blessed to have such an understanding and hard working guy.
Over the last 10 years I think I've started closing myself off to him though. I used to tell him everything and we talked all the time. I don't really know exactly what happened but somewhere along the way, our communication started failing. I want him to understand me so badly and don't want him to look at me as some weak and crazy woman that he regrets ever meeting so I guess I just quit talking. It's obvious, I think, that I'm a very insecure person so that doesn't help either. Well, tonight I took that leap of faith to talk to him about my feelings and what I think is going on in this messed up melon of mine. I was totally sober too!! Imagine that! I was pretty impressed with myself to tell you the truth. (Sad, huh?)
I don't really know what he thinks about it or if he thinks anything at all about it, but at least I did it. I am very proud to say that I stuck my neck out and I feel good about it.

Letting Go

Every time I think about the people in my life that have gone whether it's because of death, ignorance, hate or just plain circumstance, it really makes me sad. It's obvious that I miss my brother and my grandmother. Those are givens and they're pretty self explanitory as to why they make me sad. What about the others that are no longer in my life? And maybe they're still in my life but just not in the same way that they used to be.
Ok, so I'm dancing around the whole point as to why I'm in a funky mood today. Here goes. I shared so much of my young adult life experiences with a great woman who I was always able to count on and then one day out of the blue, we aren't such good friends anymore and everything is so weird. Yes, there are a lot of details that are missing in there but the whole point is that every time I spend any amount of time with her (because we work together) I get all depressed. I miss that relationship that we used to have and it seems like it doesn't bother her in the least. Maybe the relationship meant a lot more to me than it did to her or maybe it's just because I'm so much more emotional than she is. Either way, it doesn't matter because no matter how much I try to see the logical side of life, my emotional tendencies are always in control. How does one change that?

Aggitated

Not only do I deal with chronic depression but I also have this nasty habit of getting aggitated at the drop of a hat. At least it seems like it doesn't take much to get me aggitated. I'm sure if you asked my husband and my sister, they would agree. They're definitely the ones that bear the brunt of my attitude and emotional instability. Yes, I admit that I abuse them so if either of them end up reading this it will be sweet satisfaction. At least I'm giving them something in return for their unconditional love and support, right?
Today has been one of those aggitated days and I don't know where they come from. It's like it just comes out of nowhere and hits me square in the jaw. I have to say it's quite irritating. Although I doubt it's quite as irritating to me as it is to my dear sweet hubby. I have to ask myself..what the heck is wrong with you?

Am I Crazy?

Not that I really think I'm crazy in the sense of mental hospital patient for life or anything, but I have to wonder sometimes if I'm a bit on the wacky side of life. I'm not talking ha ha wacky though. I really am a bit skewed in the mind department, I think. I have a monthly insomnia, hypothyroidism, an alcoholic tendency (not a true alcoholic, just the potential), obvious temper issues and chronic depression. It really is a challenge but I think it's more of a challenge for the people around me than for myself. I can sink into oblivion, where do they get to go? It really isn't fair for your loved ones when you end up being a basket case. Are you a basket case or the loved one of a basket case? Tell me what you think.

Here I Go Again?!

You know I am just about fed up with this depression crap! I have no reason what so ever to be depressed and yet I find myself with that familiar old feeling creeping back into my life. It seriously makes me just want to give up. I mean, if it just keeps coming back over and over again with no rhyme or reason then what's the point?
I have a beautiful and loving family, a good job, great friends and therefore NO reason to have any of these feelings! It's actually starting to really piss me off!!! What the hell?
Oh! And then there's the monthly insomnia which is why I'm typing this gem of a blog after midnight. You know I had started thinking that the insomnia and the depression came at specific times of the month and that it was related to my cycle, but now I'm not so sure. I had some incidents before my period this time around and now I'm having this current problem which is after my period. Not so sure that the two are in synch now. (Just a side note, I suck at spelling so please ignore any gramatical errors, yes another tangent)
Maybe one day I'll get lucky and this stupid shit will go away. I'm really at the point where I just want to cut out my thyroid and all my female parts if those two things will help me to get to be a normal type person. Right now, I am anything but normal! I feel like a freak...