GO TO BED!!!

That's what I hear when I get emotional. Ok, so I'm not drinking I promise. Can I not be the least bit emotional? I am a total and complete "hot mess" when it comes to any kind of emotional anything. I listened to a song that my niece suggested and it just totally and completely made me break down. I realize now that she is becoming a woman and even though I'm not her mother, it still "gets to me". I think we are so much alike and at the same time so different. It just makes me cry.
I wish that everyone I know now knew what it was like to know Jim. That's what torments me every day. But I have found Compassionate Friends and I'm hoping that support group will helpt to sort things out in my mind.

It's Not Me But It Is

I know this really isn't me but there are certain parts of it that are. You get so caught up in yourself and the things that are going on in your life that you forget the people that you're toughts are caught up in. Your creativity is centered around them and everything in your life is surrounded by the thoughts of them and what they mean to you that you actually end up neglecting the acutal people. Instead you write, sing or think about them more than you actually pay attention to them. I think that's what I do a lot in my own life. The thought of my brother, my husband, my daugther, my family takes precidence over the real people in my life. I hate that but I continue to do it anyway. Why is that?

What Is Normal?

So I'm back to my "normal" life. What is normal anyway? I guess normal can be something different for everyone. My so called normal life is going to work, taking my daughter to dance and gymnastics every week and trying my hardest to keep up with everything else that needs and deserves my attention. First off, my husband. You know hubbys get kicked aside when the kid comes. It's not like we say "I'm going to ignore you" the minute we get pregnant, it's just something that kind of happens and we have to try really hard to make a point to give them the attention they deserve. The reason why that's so hard has nothing to do with whether we love them or adore them or are attracted to them anymore. It simply has to do with the fact that we only have so much time in our day and in our minds. Our children demand time from us and there's no way we can ignore them or do we want to ignore them and since he's an adult, he ends up getting the short end of what's left of that whittled away stick.
So what is normal? I think my normal will most likely be much different than yours and yours will be much different from that of your friends. That's what's so great about being us though. We have different stories to share and keeps life interesting.

Why Do I Do It?

I never really talk about my feelings when I'm in my "right" mind and I hate the fact that I can't express myself other than when I drink. I now find myself getting irritated because I actually express myself at any time at all. I hate being emotional in any way whatsoever. It really does irritate me. I just want to get rid of all hormones and emotional baggage all together.

Make It Happen

I have to say that I love my friends and family. I am so blessed to have them. I wish I could just control my depression. How do I make that happen? I just hate that feeling of low self esteem and sadness. I keep thinking that one day it will all get better and wonder why I can't just make myself change. I hate that I have no control over it and I worry that people around me think I'm just weak and should be able to just get over myself and my "problems". Oh gosh, I wish I could.

The Lady of Shallot

This is the painting above my bed and my favorite poem of all time. It's amazing that even in this day and age that there is still a beautiful song about this amazing woman. She shows unwavering strength and faith until the world beyond her becomes too much for her to bear. The temptation of a love that she knows she will never have overtakes her and becomes the death of her.

How could anyone keep themselves from all that the world has to offer? Yet it shows that most everything the world has to offer will also bring your undoing. Is it worth it? Only each person can say what is worth it to themselves...what is the world and it's experiences worth to you? I think I have yet to answer that question for myself. Maybe none of us can answer until the last breath we take, but I will continue to look to the Lady of Shallot in wonder and amazement.

WAY Overanalyzing This

I know I overanalyze everything in my life. I think about the fact that I'm too "old" for the current time and then I think that I would never fit into a time before the 80's. I'm so not the 50's wife that I think I could be because I'm just too independent for it but then the independence I do have drives me crazy because I don't want to be responsible for all the decisions that need to be made in our home. How f'd up is that? I can't even curse because I know that one day my daughter might read this and I don't want to be "that" person.

I have issues that I, nor anyone else, can really cure. I don't know if it's bipolar, hypomania, schizophrenia....I guess they're all possible. I want to be happy and want to make my family happy but just don't know how. And I can't seem to express myself without "help". Why is that? I don't want to talk about it if I'm in my "right" mind because it's too embarassing and I think I'm weak if I have to talk about my problems. How messed up is that? Everyone, including me, would just rather ignore it and go on. TRUST me !!!! I would much rather sweep it under the rug and pretend that my emotional issues don't exist. They're too much to deal with at times. Heck, my dad acts like he didn't know! Prozac...antidepressant...they're the same thing Dad! Geeze...like he didn't check out for a freaking year after my brother died. I wish I could check out for a year....the only person that didn't disappear was Stacy and now she has to deal with that along with everything else in her life. I couldn't do it. Personally, I don't how she does it. Wonderwoman...can you say Wonderwoman?