Home Again, Home Again

The lake was nice but I sure am tired. The little one had a great time! She absolutely loved swimming and even got to ride on the tube with her Daddy. Great times!!
I think my honey had a good time too. He got to ski and swim with us. I have a sunburn, of course. I never can go out without burning. The ultimate white girl, I guess.

The good thing right now is that I seem to be "okay". I'm not sure how long this happiness will last (hopefully quite some time). I'm always waiting for the ball to drop but I'm going to try very hard to just simply enjoy my happy time and not worry about things that may come. Things in life are never perfect and I know that. The emotional times are what get me so if anyone has any suggestions on how to avoid emotions, I'm open for advice.

Getting Out of the House!

I'm not sure if it's "Spring Fever" or just me being me. I have GOT to get out of the house and do something! The weather is gorgeous and I am a much happier person when out enjoying it. Not that I always have the motivation to do so, but since the motivation is here right now I may as well take advantage and go. We will be meeting some friends at the lake this weekend and I'm really looking forward to being outdoors without having any major cleaning, household type responsibilities. I definitely put most of this stress on myself so I guess I should take the initiative to try to get rid of it.
I worry that my sweet hubby just agrees and goes along so that I won't have a melt down but that it really isn't something he wants to do. That kind of stresses me too. I don't want him to end up resenting me because he had to endure weekends about me instead of getting rid of stress his own way....working on his numerous projects around the house. I really hope he gets some enjoyment out of this as well.

Just Another Freak In The World

So do you ever feel like this? Like everyone else is totally normal and you're the one that's completely f'ed up. The logical part of your brain sees so many people that are so much more messed up than you are and says, "I could be so much worse so why should I feel bad about myself?" but the emotional part of you says, " I am such a FREAK! How can anyone in my life stand to be around me and put up with me?". Yes, I feel that way often. I have horrible habits that some would say are no big deal but if you're my husband and you have to live with it, you might think differently.
Freakism survives through genetics, I think. It's just like in the movie The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood...the only thing that can survive in our bodies is alcoholism. I think that's how freakism is. It survives no matter how many generations have passed. Maybe it's covered up a little better, but it's still there. BEWARE!!

Another Beautiful Day in Paradise

You might think I'm being sarcastic by titling this one Another Day in Paradise but it's quite the opposite. I'm happy to say that today really is a great day! I've been thinking that by really playing up the good things, maybe I'll stop focusing on the bad things? I'm a bit pessimistic about it becuase of my track record but what's the harm in trying, right?

I think the thing that has made me really enjoy this day so far is my daughter. Just looking at her and thinking about what a miracle she is has made me appreciate her that much more. She has the sweetest smile and such an innocence that it makes me want to get down on her level and feel that type of blissful childhood emotion again. It's hard to explain the kind of love I feel for this amazing little girl.

If, Then...

It's a bit funny how we always have the "If's and Then's". If I could pay off all my bills, then... If I were more outgoing, then... If I could quit my job, then.... Then what? Would it really make you any different? Would it make me any different? I'm coming to realize that all the what if's in the world wouldn't change a single thing about me. No matter how much money I have or how much free time I get, I would still have the same obligations to those around me and have the responsibility to my family and friends that I currently have...maybe even more.
Please don't get me wrong. I love my family and my friends. If I didn't, I wouldn't care and then I wouldn't have the feelings of inadequacy that I have. I know that I would be lost in this world without them and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm just lacking in the patience and understanding department I think. What do you think?

More Than Anything

You know the one thing that I want more than anything in the whole world is to be a good mother. I second guess myself all the time. People tell me that it's normal to be unsure of your parenting abilities and that I'm just too hard on myself. Don't get me wrong, that makes me feel a little better about myself but I continue to feel inadequate no matter how much people tell me I'm not. Is it some sort of disorder like depression or hypomania?
A lot of times, I can't even handle the day to day things that come up and I get so darn selfish! I only want to be by myself and I never seem to have enough time. I just want my little girl to have a great life and for my husband to be happy. There are times that I think they would be better without me. Not that I would ever hurt myself or anything, I just want them to be happy and I get so afraid that they never will be with me around. How do you change yourself? How do you stop the feelings that hold you back?

GET OVER IT!

Why a tangent life? Well, because it seems like I can't complete a thought or much of anything these days. I'm not sure if that means I'm just a parent, a wife and a career woman or if I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just a whiner. What do you think?
I know one thing for sure. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Which is probably why I feel so much guilt at the fact that I deal with chronic depression. What do I have to be depressed about? Every single person in this world has something that has happened to them in their life that wasn't the ideal situation. Yes, my mother and father got divorced when I was 4, my father married a woman that didn't exactly have the time or energy for kids that weren't hers, my brother died at 19 and yeah, I've had a hard time getting used to being totally responsible for another human being. Who hasn't dealt with a lot of the same type of stuff?
I really just wish I could finally follow through with the advice that I constantly give myself....GET OVER IT!!

16 Years Today

I have officially lived half my life without my older brother, James Edward Cantrell. Not only do I have a hard time with this particular part of my life, but I tend to have a hard time with most everything else as well. I know there are others out there that feel the same way. You may not have lost someone but maybe a part of yourself through some other type of heartache and it has led you down some dark path that you haven't yet been able to recover from. Well, welcome to my world...
I was always a very obedient child and made good grades in school. Didn't really give my father or step-mother many reasons to discipline me until I became a teen. That's when all hell broke loose. Between having a the typical step-mother that I hated and then loosing my brother when he was 19, I pretty much went off the deep end. Understand I had already begun to be a messed up soul before Jim died so it's not all due to his death that I am who I've become. And not that you'd ever know I was messed up if you happened to meet me and have a conversation with me. I finished college, have a professional and sucessful career and a husband and daughter who I adore, so life isn't really abnormal to anyone except me. My family is a good one and I am blessed to be a part of it. I just have this nagging inside my head that won't let me be.

I don't think I really expect anyone to read this, I just need a way to finally get all these horrible thoughts and emotions out and this is the only way I can think of to do it.