GO TO BED!!!

That's what I hear when I get emotional. Ok, so I'm not drinking I promise. Can I not be the least bit emotional? I am a total and complete "hot mess" when it comes to any kind of emotional anything. I listened to a song that my niece suggested and it just totally and completely made me break down. I realize now that she is becoming a woman and even though I'm not her mother, it still "gets to me". I think we are so much alike and at the same time so different. It just makes me cry.
I wish that everyone I know now knew what it was like to know Jim. That's what torments me every day. But I have found Compassionate Friends and I'm hoping that support group will helpt to sort things out in my mind.

It's Not Me But It Is

I know this really isn't me but there are certain parts of it that are. You get so caught up in yourself and the things that are going on in your life that you forget the people that you're toughts are caught up in. Your creativity is centered around them and everything in your life is surrounded by the thoughts of them and what they mean to you that you actually end up neglecting the acutal people. Instead you write, sing or think about them more than you actually pay attention to them. I think that's what I do a lot in my own life. The thought of my brother, my husband, my daugther, my family takes precidence over the real people in my life. I hate that but I continue to do it anyway. Why is that?

What Is Normal?

So I'm back to my "normal" life. What is normal anyway? I guess normal can be something different for everyone. My so called normal life is going to work, taking my daughter to dance and gymnastics every week and trying my hardest to keep up with everything else that needs and deserves my attention. First off, my husband. You know hubbys get kicked aside when the kid comes. It's not like we say "I'm going to ignore you" the minute we get pregnant, it's just something that kind of happens and we have to try really hard to make a point to give them the attention they deserve. The reason why that's so hard has nothing to do with whether we love them or adore them or are attracted to them anymore. It simply has to do with the fact that we only have so much time in our day and in our minds. Our children demand time from us and there's no way we can ignore them or do we want to ignore them and since he's an adult, he ends up getting the short end of what's left of that whittled away stick.
So what is normal? I think my normal will most likely be much different than yours and yours will be much different from that of your friends. That's what's so great about being us though. We have different stories to share and keeps life interesting.

Why Do I Do It?

I never really talk about my feelings when I'm in my "right" mind and I hate the fact that I can't express myself other than when I drink. I now find myself getting irritated because I actually express myself at any time at all. I hate being emotional in any way whatsoever. It really does irritate me. I just want to get rid of all hormones and emotional baggage all together.

Make It Happen

I have to say that I love my friends and family. I am so blessed to have them. I wish I could just control my depression. How do I make that happen? I just hate that feeling of low self esteem and sadness. I keep thinking that one day it will all get better and wonder why I can't just make myself change. I hate that I have no control over it and I worry that people around me think I'm just weak and should be able to just get over myself and my "problems". Oh gosh, I wish I could.

The Lady of Shallot

This is the painting above my bed and my favorite poem of all time. It's amazing that even in this day and age that there is still a beautiful song about this amazing woman. She shows unwavering strength and faith until the world beyond her becomes too much for her to bear. The temptation of a love that she knows she will never have overtakes her and becomes the death of her.

How could anyone keep themselves from all that the world has to offer? Yet it shows that most everything the world has to offer will also bring your undoing. Is it worth it? Only each person can say what is worth it to themselves...what is the world and it's experiences worth to you? I think I have yet to answer that question for myself. Maybe none of us can answer until the last breath we take, but I will continue to look to the Lady of Shallot in wonder and amazement.

WAY Overanalyzing This

I know I overanalyze everything in my life. I think about the fact that I'm too "old" for the current time and then I think that I would never fit into a time before the 80's. I'm so not the 50's wife that I think I could be because I'm just too independent for it but then the independence I do have drives me crazy because I don't want to be responsible for all the decisions that need to be made in our home. How f'd up is that? I can't even curse because I know that one day my daughter might read this and I don't want to be "that" person.

I have issues that I, nor anyone else, can really cure. I don't know if it's bipolar, hypomania, schizophrenia....I guess they're all possible. I want to be happy and want to make my family happy but just don't know how. And I can't seem to express myself without "help". Why is that? I don't want to talk about it if I'm in my "right" mind because it's too embarassing and I think I'm weak if I have to talk about my problems. How messed up is that? Everyone, including me, would just rather ignore it and go on. TRUST me !!!! I would much rather sweep it under the rug and pretend that my emotional issues don't exist. They're too much to deal with at times. Heck, my dad acts like he didn't know! Prozac...antidepressant...they're the same thing Dad! Geeze...like he didn't check out for a freaking year after my brother died. I wish I could check out for a year....the only person that didn't disappear was Stacy and now she has to deal with that along with everything else in her life. I couldn't do it. Personally, I don't how she does it. Wonderwoman...can you say Wonderwoman?

WTF?

So WTF??? I'm still awake, which is not surprising. I think I'm the most stubborn person alive. I think about my brother all the time and I cry myself asleep.
It hurts me to think about him and it kills me to think that I put my family through hell because of it. I hate hearing my daughter say that all she wants is to stay home with "Momma" and wonder if the reason why she's being so "clingy" is because I'm not being motherly enough. I want to be everything that I'm supposed to be but not sure what that's supposed to be. I love my family more than anything but I'm broken myself....how am I supposed to be what they need? Explain that to me???

Join Me

I guess I just want someone to join me. That's all. You don't have to know the right answer or how to fix me. Just know how to join me....
Life is hard no matter who you are and no matter where you come from. It doesn't matter if you're an overpriveledged spoiled bratt that is damaged by the conflict of your parents or if you''re an underpriveledged desolate soul that never knew a real family....we all have a cross to bear and it's no easier than the person standing next to us. Everyone has a real hurt that they can't quite express in words and a void that they can never fill. I guess that's what makes us human. I can only hope that God will fill that void and answer all my questions one day when I'm dead and gone.
What was I meant to be? Did I fulfill the purpose You meant for me? Am I all that You wanted me to be or am I just a big disappointment? These questions are ones that I hope to have answered one day. But until then, I will have tear stained cheeks and a heavy heart. Why? I guess that's just my life...can I change it? I don't know. Do I just feel comfortable being depressed? I have no idea. I guess it's all possible but I won't know until I meet HIM. Yes, I believe GOD exists and that HE holds the key to everything in my life. I just have a really hard time being what I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm the "black sheep" in the family that everyone loves but no one really understands. Heck, I don't even understand myself half the time. Pain is one of the only things I do understand.

Re-run

Have you ever felt like some days of your life are just a re-run of other days before? There are some days I'd like to live over and over again but unfortunately, the dejavu that I experience is more the emotions that are felt rather than the memories I cherish. Kinda sucks, huh? I would love to go back to the days of having my brother the hero or the times that I spent with my husband just adoring each other and not worrying about the house or things that need to be done. It's really frustrating that I have this wonderful life that most would give anything for, yet I long for the things I don't have. Is it the selfish nature of just being human or am I really just more ungrateful than I have the right to be? I realize that I am so blessed to have the things in life that God has given me, yet satan keeps taunting me with emotions I don't know how to handle. I get so embarassed at my desperation for acceptance and understanding yet wouldn't know how to handle it if I had it. Pretty messed up I guess. Maybe one day I'll get over it. Until then, Prozac is my friend.

Music Montage?

Because I know that you've watched all the videos from my last post....yeah right. I'll give you some songs to think about, (Yes, I really do think that I'm the center of the universe)
Don't Cry is the most appropriate song ever for me. This is the song I listened to over and over and over and over again after my brother died. Not only does it remind me of that time, but it also relates my emotions.
Jim Ed used to put a bandana on my head because I had that long brunette hair and say that I looked like Axle Rose. Funny, huh? I would sway just like Axle and sing different Gun-N-Roses songs.
I think I might be able to get together with some of his old friends and talk to them about all the things they used to do while I wasn't around. I'm looking forward to that. I think it will help a lot.

Video Montage of My Life

The moivie, What Dreams May Come acutally explains a lot of my emotions. There are others that I relate to as well. Like, The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and maybe even a little bit of Fried Green Tomatoes. Now just because, I'm having "Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey" doesn't mean that there needs to be some sort of intervention arranged to cure me....in fact, I'm pretty sure there is no cure, so you may as well just give up.

Hey! At least I have a good sense of humor about it all in the end, right?

Worry Warts

I have to say that I'm very flattered that there is more than one person out there that worries about me. I hate that my life brings up such emotions in others though. It's very nice to know that you have people that care enough about you to think of you more than once a month or even more than once a year! It's not like each one of us can be the center of the universe no matter how much we'd like to be. So knowing that there are those that care that much, certainly humbles me. I feel that I should apologize for causing the worry, however.
The source of the worry, of course, makes me somewhat embarassed since I'm an adult of 32 years and shouldn't be causing anyone to wonder how I'm doing. Unfortunately, I am a woman with hormones, depression and a short temper. The woman part alone is enough for most, wouldn't you say? I mean the extra X chromosome causes so much trouble in and of itself that when you add anything else to it, you're bound to have some issues here and there. In fact, in my opinion, (as insignificant as it is) there should seperate rules all together for the female species. If you ask a man, I'm sure he would say that there already are. Maybe that's true, but could we at least make an estrogen room in every household that women can enter and it be understood that it's just "one of those times" and you should really just walk away if you value your life?
I'm joking for the most part.....but I bet you're wondering aren't you? LOL

Changing Directions

I went to my doctor and because of the sleeplessness, he decided to change my medication. A new antidepressant and I can tell. I'm getting sad and irritable again. I'm hoping it's just because the new medication hasn't kicked in just yet. I'm also hoping that the muscle tension in my face will go away. Right now I'm feeling like I just want to stay home and be alone. I know that isn't good but it's how I feel anyway. I'm also trying to keep my mouth shut because I think I might end up saying something that will cause awkwardness or a fight....and I'm sure I'm being irrational because every time I look back at my "emotional states" I always admit to how irrational my thinking is. Knowing that, I figure it's the same thing this time.
Maybe it will be better tomorrow?

Side Effects

I was reading the information sheet that comes with my prescription and I found that the side effects are not all that glamorous. Of course what prescription medication has good side effects?? Dizziness, lightheadedness when standing or sitting up, possible pshycotic episodes. Now doesn't that sound like a fun time? LOL
I'm acutally not all that worried about it since I've already had the dizziness and lightheadedness. I can handle that. Also, the medication seems to be curbing the anger and emotional outbursts for the most part so that makes me feel better. I'm sure it makes my husband feel better too.

Anitidepressants Make Life Good

Seriously? I have no idea what I'm doing...
My life is great because I'm on antidepressants. Yes, antidepressants. It's funny because I joke with one of my co-workers that they work so well because they make my facial muscles tense, which causes me to smile and that's what makes me so happy now. Kind of sad, huh?

Oh, well. I really am very blessed to have my wonderful family and I know that. I am blessed to have a great husband that puts up with all my BS and a great daughter that is too young to realize what a weirdo her mother is. I have a father that is clueless as to how to freakin messed up his daughter is because he's just like any other parent that wants to believe their children are perfect and a sister that is preoccupied with her own problems (and rightly so) that I'm the least of her worries. It really is the perfect life if you ask me....insert a really sarcasitic laugh here. :-)

Viva Las Vegas

Las Vegas wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Not that it isn't pretty cool to go and see the sights, but our trip wasn't at all what I was expecting. We booked in March and I thought it would be so cool since I'd always wanted to go and this year was our 10 year anniversary. Turns out, the rest of the guys that went had already decided that it was a guys trip with 3 females tagging along. Steve, I think, was just tagging along as well since he's not much of a party guy. Regardless of that though, I ended up gettting pretty aggitated. Not that I mind him hanging out with his buddies at all, I just felt rejected when the other girls and I decided to go see what the guys were doing and were told that it was a "guys night" and we weren't welcome.
Long story short, it was a lot of walking that produced blisters on my feet with a few redeeming events like a massage at the hotel spa and finally a night with my husband going to a show and dinner. On a side note, you'll be happy to know that I didn't get intoxicated even once...

My Amy

I love my Amy...it's totally against my nature but I'm up at 2:00 am and wondering why...
I think it's because I'm weak minded and depressed. I thought I would stay sober until we went to Vegas but obviously that didn't happen...I worry that my hubby won't want to be around me.

SERIOUSLY?

If there were a world record for crabbiness, I think I would win. Why can't I just be thankful and enjoy all the wonderful things I have in my life instead of feeling sorry for myself and being a big ol' bitch! Yes, I'm a bitch. I just can't seem to kick this. I'd like to understand why I do this to myself. Even when I try really hard to forget about my emotions and force myself to just do things that would be fun, it doesn't seem to work. I don't know that I could be my friend. I'm amazed that I still have any left.

A Leap of Faith

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary and that is totally awesome in my book! I just had to say that so that you know how happy I am to be married to this wonderful man. I really do appreciate him and love him so much. I am very blessed to have such an understanding and hard working guy.
Over the last 10 years I think I've started closing myself off to him though. I used to tell him everything and we talked all the time. I don't really know exactly what happened but somewhere along the way, our communication started failing. I want him to understand me so badly and don't want him to look at me as some weak and crazy woman that he regrets ever meeting so I guess I just quit talking. It's obvious, I think, that I'm a very insecure person so that doesn't help either. Well, tonight I took that leap of faith to talk to him about my feelings and what I think is going on in this messed up melon of mine. I was totally sober too!! Imagine that! I was pretty impressed with myself to tell you the truth. (Sad, huh?)
I don't really know what he thinks about it or if he thinks anything at all about it, but at least I did it. I am very proud to say that I stuck my neck out and I feel good about it.

Letting Go

Every time I think about the people in my life that have gone whether it's because of death, ignorance, hate or just plain circumstance, it really makes me sad. It's obvious that I miss my brother and my grandmother. Those are givens and they're pretty self explanitory as to why they make me sad. What about the others that are no longer in my life? And maybe they're still in my life but just not in the same way that they used to be.
Ok, so I'm dancing around the whole point as to why I'm in a funky mood today. Here goes. I shared so much of my young adult life experiences with a great woman who I was always able to count on and then one day out of the blue, we aren't such good friends anymore and everything is so weird. Yes, there are a lot of details that are missing in there but the whole point is that every time I spend any amount of time with her (because we work together) I get all depressed. I miss that relationship that we used to have and it seems like it doesn't bother her in the least. Maybe the relationship meant a lot more to me than it did to her or maybe it's just because I'm so much more emotional than she is. Either way, it doesn't matter because no matter how much I try to see the logical side of life, my emotional tendencies are always in control. How does one change that?

Aggitated

Not only do I deal with chronic depression but I also have this nasty habit of getting aggitated at the drop of a hat. At least it seems like it doesn't take much to get me aggitated. I'm sure if you asked my husband and my sister, they would agree. They're definitely the ones that bear the brunt of my attitude and emotional instability. Yes, I admit that I abuse them so if either of them end up reading this it will be sweet satisfaction. At least I'm giving them something in return for their unconditional love and support, right?
Today has been one of those aggitated days and I don't know where they come from. It's like it just comes out of nowhere and hits me square in the jaw. I have to say it's quite irritating. Although I doubt it's quite as irritating to me as it is to my dear sweet hubby. I have to ask myself..what the heck is wrong with you?

Am I Crazy?

Not that I really think I'm crazy in the sense of mental hospital patient for life or anything, but I have to wonder sometimes if I'm a bit on the wacky side of life. I'm not talking ha ha wacky though. I really am a bit skewed in the mind department, I think. I have a monthly insomnia, hypothyroidism, an alcoholic tendency (not a true alcoholic, just the potential), obvious temper issues and chronic depression. It really is a challenge but I think it's more of a challenge for the people around me than for myself. I can sink into oblivion, where do they get to go? It really isn't fair for your loved ones when you end up being a basket case. Are you a basket case or the loved one of a basket case? Tell me what you think.

Here I Go Again?!

You know I am just about fed up with this depression crap! I have no reason what so ever to be depressed and yet I find myself with that familiar old feeling creeping back into my life. It seriously makes me just want to give up. I mean, if it just keeps coming back over and over again with no rhyme or reason then what's the point?
I have a beautiful and loving family, a good job, great friends and therefore NO reason to have any of these feelings! It's actually starting to really piss me off!!! What the hell?
Oh! And then there's the monthly insomnia which is why I'm typing this gem of a blog after midnight. You know I had started thinking that the insomnia and the depression came at specific times of the month and that it was related to my cycle, but now I'm not so sure. I had some incidents before my period this time around and now I'm having this current problem which is after my period. Not so sure that the two are in synch now. (Just a side note, I suck at spelling so please ignore any gramatical errors, yes another tangent)
Maybe one day I'll get lucky and this stupid shit will go away. I'm really at the point where I just want to cut out my thyroid and all my female parts if those two things will help me to get to be a normal type person. Right now, I am anything but normal! I feel like a freak...

What Will Tomorrow Bring?

Today is the beginning of a very long week at work. What am I saying? Last week was the beginning of a very long month at work. I was the idiot that volunteered to head up all of our internal audits. Now don't get me wrong, it really isn't that bad of a gig except for the time constraints. If it weren't for all the time frames it might actually be ok. I mean at least I get to learn more about all the requirements and gain some first hand knowledge of what it would be like to gain a position as an Administrator. (Not that I would ever have the opportunity, but you never know)
This last weekend wasn't bad but it really wasn't all that good either. I'm sure you've assessed that from the last two posts. My baby girl is fine but my nerves have been thouroughly frazzled. I just have to say that I thank God for giving me my sanity just one more day.

So what do you think tomorrow will bring? I'm hoping for some comp time and a drink. Of course the best thing that tomorrow can bring will be another day with my beautiful baby girl, my awesome hubby and all the other wonderful people that I have been so blessed to have in my life.

What About HIM?

I feel like such dork! You know that feeling when you drink too much or just share too many emotions and people are at that point with you that they walk on egg shells around you? Yeah, that's where I'm at. I've been bawling like a baby about my daughter but I think I've also been bawling about myself because HIS 35th birthday was on Father's Day. How do you divide your emotions between your husband and your deceased brother? Tell me how you're supposed to do that?

What A Day...Or Should I Say Month?

So do you ever have those days when you just want to say WTF? Between the typical sexual exploration that you have to explain to your child is not appropriate behavior and the fact that you've had the busiest week ever in your life....I have to say WTF????? It breaks my heart to hear my 3 year old talking about someone...anyone touching her and then having to call another mother to talk about it. Not to mention that the other mom is one of my all time best friends! The thing that really scares me is what if it wasn't the typical 3 year old exploration and it was some f'd up adult that took advantage of my sweet, innocent little girl. I don't think I could handle that!!! I need another drink...

Take The Good With The Bad

What a long week and weekend! I have to say there have been some good as well as some not so good moments. I got to hang out with a new friend on Wednesday evening after work. The little one and I had a great time and it was so nice to be able to spend some time with someone that has a little girl the same age as mine as well as some of the same emotions and interests. I also got to have lunch with a friend on Friday and that was more than I expected. Our conversation was great. She told me a lot of things about her life and it was so similar to mine. We both ended up tearing up a couple of times but it was just so refreshing to talk to someone who has been in the same emotional state.
The bad is that I just about it lost it again last night. Not too bad, but it was close. I managed to remove myself from the situation and things ended up being fine. I just hate it when that type of thing happens. I get so frustrated with myself. I think it might be getting better though. I think I might be getting to the point where I may not be able to control the emotions, but at least hold back the anger when it comes out.

Will I Ever Catch Up?

You know it's one of those things that everyone says. "I'm so busy." You know you've heard it a million times and you'll hear it a million more. We all have things going on in our lives and no one is immune to this fast pace world that has become our home. There are definitely times that I feel like going back to another time and place where there is no technology and just pure life. Of course I would miss the modern conveniences that I know but the thought of a simpler life is still somewhat appealing.
I get so bogged down in every day life that I forget to enjoy what I have right here in my own home. I get so selfish with MY time and MY schedule. Is it really mine though? We all have so little time in the grand scheme of things so why focus on the things that we have no control over? This, coming from a MAJOR control freak. I hope one day I'll figure it out.

Home Again, Home Again

The lake was nice but I sure am tired. The little one had a great time! She absolutely loved swimming and even got to ride on the tube with her Daddy. Great times!!
I think my honey had a good time too. He got to ski and swim with us. I have a sunburn, of course. I never can go out without burning. The ultimate white girl, I guess.

The good thing right now is that I seem to be "okay". I'm not sure how long this happiness will last (hopefully quite some time). I'm always waiting for the ball to drop but I'm going to try very hard to just simply enjoy my happy time and not worry about things that may come. Things in life are never perfect and I know that. The emotional times are what get me so if anyone has any suggestions on how to avoid emotions, I'm open for advice.

Getting Out of the House!

I'm not sure if it's "Spring Fever" or just me being me. I have GOT to get out of the house and do something! The weather is gorgeous and I am a much happier person when out enjoying it. Not that I always have the motivation to do so, but since the motivation is here right now I may as well take advantage and go. We will be meeting some friends at the lake this weekend and I'm really looking forward to being outdoors without having any major cleaning, household type responsibilities. I definitely put most of this stress on myself so I guess I should take the initiative to try to get rid of it.
I worry that my sweet hubby just agrees and goes along so that I won't have a melt down but that it really isn't something he wants to do. That kind of stresses me too. I don't want him to end up resenting me because he had to endure weekends about me instead of getting rid of stress his own way....working on his numerous projects around the house. I really hope he gets some enjoyment out of this as well.

Just Another Freak In The World

So do you ever feel like this? Like everyone else is totally normal and you're the one that's completely f'ed up. The logical part of your brain sees so many people that are so much more messed up than you are and says, "I could be so much worse so why should I feel bad about myself?" but the emotional part of you says, " I am such a FREAK! How can anyone in my life stand to be around me and put up with me?". Yes, I feel that way often. I have horrible habits that some would say are no big deal but if you're my husband and you have to live with it, you might think differently.
Freakism survives through genetics, I think. It's just like in the movie The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood...the only thing that can survive in our bodies is alcoholism. I think that's how freakism is. It survives no matter how many generations have passed. Maybe it's covered up a little better, but it's still there. BEWARE!!

Another Beautiful Day in Paradise

You might think I'm being sarcastic by titling this one Another Day in Paradise but it's quite the opposite. I'm happy to say that today really is a great day! I've been thinking that by really playing up the good things, maybe I'll stop focusing on the bad things? I'm a bit pessimistic about it becuase of my track record but what's the harm in trying, right?

I think the thing that has made me really enjoy this day so far is my daughter. Just looking at her and thinking about what a miracle she is has made me appreciate her that much more. She has the sweetest smile and such an innocence that it makes me want to get down on her level and feel that type of blissful childhood emotion again. It's hard to explain the kind of love I feel for this amazing little girl.

If, Then...

It's a bit funny how we always have the "If's and Then's". If I could pay off all my bills, then... If I were more outgoing, then... If I could quit my job, then.... Then what? Would it really make you any different? Would it make me any different? I'm coming to realize that all the what if's in the world wouldn't change a single thing about me. No matter how much money I have or how much free time I get, I would still have the same obligations to those around me and have the responsibility to my family and friends that I currently have...maybe even more.
Please don't get me wrong. I love my family and my friends. If I didn't, I wouldn't care and then I wouldn't have the feelings of inadequacy that I have. I know that I would be lost in this world without them and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm just lacking in the patience and understanding department I think. What do you think?

More Than Anything

You know the one thing that I want more than anything in the whole world is to be a good mother. I second guess myself all the time. People tell me that it's normal to be unsure of your parenting abilities and that I'm just too hard on myself. Don't get me wrong, that makes me feel a little better about myself but I continue to feel inadequate no matter how much people tell me I'm not. Is it some sort of disorder like depression or hypomania?
A lot of times, I can't even handle the day to day things that come up and I get so darn selfish! I only want to be by myself and I never seem to have enough time. I just want my little girl to have a great life and for my husband to be happy. There are times that I think they would be better without me. Not that I would ever hurt myself or anything, I just want them to be happy and I get so afraid that they never will be with me around. How do you change yourself? How do you stop the feelings that hold you back?

GET OVER IT!

Why a tangent life? Well, because it seems like I can't complete a thought or much of anything these days. I'm not sure if that means I'm just a parent, a wife and a career woman or if I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just a whiner. What do you think?
I know one thing for sure. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Which is probably why I feel so much guilt at the fact that I deal with chronic depression. What do I have to be depressed about? Every single person in this world has something that has happened to them in their life that wasn't the ideal situation. Yes, my mother and father got divorced when I was 4, my father married a woman that didn't exactly have the time or energy for kids that weren't hers, my brother died at 19 and yeah, I've had a hard time getting used to being totally responsible for another human being. Who hasn't dealt with a lot of the same type of stuff?
I really just wish I could finally follow through with the advice that I constantly give myself....GET OVER IT!!

16 Years Today

I have officially lived half my life without my older brother, James Edward Cantrell. Not only do I have a hard time with this particular part of my life, but I tend to have a hard time with most everything else as well. I know there are others out there that feel the same way. You may not have lost someone but maybe a part of yourself through some other type of heartache and it has led you down some dark path that you haven't yet been able to recover from. Well, welcome to my world...
I was always a very obedient child and made good grades in school. Didn't really give my father or step-mother many reasons to discipline me until I became a teen. That's when all hell broke loose. Between having a the typical step-mother that I hated and then loosing my brother when he was 19, I pretty much went off the deep end. Understand I had already begun to be a messed up soul before Jim died so it's not all due to his death that I am who I've become. And not that you'd ever know I was messed up if you happened to meet me and have a conversation with me. I finished college, have a professional and sucessful career and a husband and daughter who I adore, so life isn't really abnormal to anyone except me. My family is a good one and I am blessed to be a part of it. I just have this nagging inside my head that won't let me be.

I don't think I really expect anyone to read this, I just need a way to finally get all these horrible thoughts and emotions out and this is the only way I can think of to do it.