I have officially lived half my life without my older brother, James Edward Cantrell. Not only do I have a hard time with this particular part of my life, but I tend to have a hard time with most everything else as well. I know there are others out there that feel the same way. You may not have lost someone but maybe a part of yourself through some other type of heartache and it has led you down some dark path that you haven't yet been able to recover from. Well, welcome to my world...
I was always a very obedient child and made good grades in school. Didn't really give my father or step-mother many reasons to discipline me until I became a teen. That's when all hell broke loose. Between having a the typical step-mother that I hated and then loosing my brother when he was 19, I pretty much went off the deep end. Understand I had already begun to be a messed up soul before Jim died so it's not all due to his death that I am who I've become. And not that you'd ever know I was messed up if you happened to meet me and have a conversation with me. I finished college, have a professional and sucessful career and a husband and daughter who I adore, so life isn't really abnormal to anyone except me. My family is a good one and I am blessed to be a part of it. I just have this nagging inside my head that won't let me be.
I don't think I really expect anyone to read this, I just need a way to finally get all these horrible thoughts and emotions out and this is the only way I can think of to do it.
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